The Year Mark!

So this month and next are going to be pretty emotional, and it has started today. A year ago, I found out that I had cancer. I thought that it was the end of the world. I thought "why me?" and "what is going to happen to me?" Never did I think that this would be the outcome. Not once did it occur to me that a year from then, would I be posting on my blog that I am a cancer survivor!!
When the doctor comes in and tells you, you have cancer, I must admit, it is the worst feeling in the world. I felt like all of my insides came out my butt. First reaction: shock. Second reaction: cry. When I called my mom, I couldn't even get the words out, when I did, the conversation turned straight to crying, and yelling, and so many mixed emotions that it can't even be explained.
Days later, I told my best friend, Charlotte. She cried, scared. Just like me. Who knew what would happen next.

The cancer that I had is rare, Immature Teratoma. It's rare, and an aggressive cancer. It moves fast, but is usually beaten by chemo.

A couple weeks later, July 14th to be exact, we went in to learn about the chemo. My first question
: "Will I lose my hair?" the answer was yes. It was like I was getting everything taken away. Women are so i guess you could call it vain. I would not only be going through hell, possibly going to die, I would also have to look sick and disgusting and no longer look like a girl or normal at all. When i got home, I shaved my head, cancer was already taking away everything from me, my job,my apartment, my life, not my hair. I would take away my hair.

I got my port in soon after that. I now have a scar and hard nipple looking thing sticking out of my chest.

Chemo was disgusting. What they do is stick a needle into my port and hook up medicine to me, I would sit there for 6 hours a day. The first day I was so nervous, not knowing the outcome and only seeing what my grandma went through. After we left the first session, on our way home, the car broke down. We were in he heat, and I couldn't stop throwing up. My stomach was hurting with excruciating pain from the heaving and vomiting. I tried everything, water, soda, milk. It all made it worse. When I got home and took anti nausea, it still wouldn't help. I was so exhausted, I felt like I had run a marathon. I could barely sleep, and the next morning, I had to do the same thing. They explained to me that they didn't give me my hydration, so that is why the vomiting was so bad.
I had chemo 5 days a week, 6 hours a day. My hair was kind of growing back when I started chemo. So when I started getting the chemo, it started falling out. Now, it's nothing like you would imagine. It would fall with the touch. My mom would pull it out, I couldn't even feel it. She would make designs in my head, it's the weirdest thing ever. Pretty soon I was completely bald.

I started stinking. Like the medicine was just seeping out of my pores, not eating was a regular thing. If I ate, then I would throw up. I was weak all the time, I didn't want to get up to do anything. Joshua took care of me. He quit his job, so I could be his full time job, which I was. I was miserable. None of my friends came around anymore. I didn't blame them, I looked so gross. I even told Joshua, because we hadn't even been married a year when I got cancer, that he could leave if he wanted to. He didn't. I don't know if I would have done the same.

Just writing this, I am crying. It is such bad memories.

But now look at me! My hair is growing back, I am working, and I am still happily married. I couldn't ask for more!! 

                                                     This was me before chemo!

      

                                                    All my cancer meds.

                                                That's my port! It's still there!

                                    That's the chemo being pumped through me!

                                  Annette, an amazing woman I met during chemo!

                                              Bald, going through chemo!

I'm feeling amazing now, and I know that I am strong enough to overcome anything! Bring on the future!!

Scary Thoughts.

My family is everything to me. I cannot handle the thought of losing them. I don't know what I would do if I lost Joshua. He is my husband, my second half. Half of me would be completely gone. 

Tonight, my uncle passed. I know that families are forever, but the thought of death is something that I automatically have a panic attack with. I do my best to not think about death but it is really hard to not think about it right now. 

Tonight I seen my family cry to see a life go. A life that took care of them, that held them together. I had to see my cousins cry for the loss of their father. I was completely lost for words, what do you say to them? How can they go on without their dad?

This of course brings me to the thought of what I would do in their situation. What would I do if I lost my father. As dramatic as it may sound, my life would be complete hectic. Everything that I have done, my whole life, is to make my parents proud of me. Even to this day. I got good grades, because that is what my dad wanted. I worked at 14 because that is what my dad wanted to teach me responsibility. I went to college because that what was in the plan for me from my dad, and now, I am still living with my parents because that is what my dad feels is best for me. 

As a kid I remember my grandma waking me up in the middle of the night, I had had a nightmare. I had a nightmare that my dad was gone, I was soaked with sweat and tears, screaming loud enough to wake up not only my grandmother but the entire house. I don't know what I would do if that became a reality.

Death is so scary to me. 

I remember being in high school, in Seminary, and learning about John the Apostle and the Three Nephites. Jesus blessed them with immortality. They would "never taste of death".

If there were one thing that I could ask Heavenly Father for, it would be that exactly. Life is so great, I don't want it taken from me. But at the same time I do not want to keep losing these people that are so dear to me. I can't think of living without my father. 

I know that I shouldn't think of these things, but I am so scared. Since I was a kid, losing my parents is my number one fear, and now that I am married I just added yet another person to the list that I cannot live without. I don't want to wait to see them again. I don't want to have to deal with death forcefully like my cousins have to now. 

This is a start of a brand new sort of depression. I am so scared of death. It's not because of the thought about what happens after. It's the thought of missing them. To have to go on without them being a phone call away, or getting a hug and kiss goodnight. 

Families are forever, I just want mine to be together, everyday, with me. 

The Hidden Blessing

Wow! 

The first word that entered my mind tonight after all these events.. so let's start from the beginning shall we?

Yesterday I was at work, and I get a call from my mom, telling me that my sister may be pregnant. I didn't know what to think. Am I happy for her? Of course I am! But the mixed feelings that I had, I didn't want to feel. So I just blew it off, and tried focusing on my job. 

When I later got off of work, my mom and I started to talk about it. A lot of things came up in the conversation. Such as, my sister is in a whole other state, how will we be able to be in the baby's life? 

As I am thinking of all this, my mom was talking to my sister on the phone. I start to cry. Probably the hardest that I have cried since I found out that I had cancer. 

Instead of feeling the good feelings, like a normal human being, I start to think of how none of this is fair. How is it fair to me? Not only am I married, but I am married to an amazing husband that would stay by my side, with our child. My husband and I are financially stable to take care of our own child, AND I have such an amazing family that I would love to raise a child with. 

But NO! I can't have that. Yes, like everyone says, I can adopt. If I adopt, I still will never ever get to feel the feeling that a mother has when she is pregnant, having A WHOLE OTHER HUMAN BEING GROWING INSIDE HER! I will never get to experience the labor process, which I hear can be miserable. Miserable or not, women don't realize what a privilege that it is. 

How is this fair to me? My dad, uncle, brother, mother and husband talked and talked to me to calm me down. Nothing of what they were saying was calming. I don't care. I know that I am alive, but I went through all of that, and suffered but suffering, losing my hair, looking disgusting, going through 5 surgeries couldn't be enough. I had to have my ability to give life taken away from me. It makes me feel like less of a women, less of a wife, that I cannot give my husband our child. It really hurts, as I am writing this I cannot help but cry. 

When I was a teenager, I didn't care if I became anything successful in this life, except a mother and wife. When I got married, I wanted my own life, and for me and my husband to just make  babies, and be this wonderful happy family. Within the matter of two days, it was all taken away from me. 

Well, finally, I stopped crying about it, and eventually stopped thinking about it. 

Tonight, little Joshy, one of the kids that we take care of, he peed his pants at the dinner table. Right now he is 4 years old, too old to be peeing his dang pants. So in our house the rule is, if you pee your pants, you have to wear a diaper, like a baby and spend the rest of the night in your room with no t.v. or toys. 

While he was in his room, my dad, who has to wake up early in the morning was trying to sleep. Joshy was continuously crying, his crying was really loud so of course I was getting really angry. I told him that if he didn't stop he would have to sleep outside. He stopped for about 5 minutes then continued on again. So, being the honest person that I am :) I told him to grab his pillow, and I took him outside. It scared him for a minute but we both just stood out there, then of course I just had him come in and I took him in his room and asked him why he wouldn't stop crying. 

He told me it was because it was dark. So I explained to him that it had to be dark because he was supposed to be going to sleep, and he only had to go to sleep because he peed his pants. He understood. So I sat down, and told him to make his bed, so he did, then I covered him up, and gave him his teddy bear. I told him that I wanted to pray with him. 

I asked him, who do you want to pray? Me or you? He said that he wanted me to. He then folded his arms and closed his eyes.

The spirit overwhelmed me. 

I could barely even speak to pray. I just cried out my prayer. 

What a blessing. 

I was so selfish in my thinking yesterday. 

I have 6 kids right here, that don't only need me but they need my example, and my love, and my knowledge of the gospel. 

Thank you Heavenly Father. 

Please let me remember tonight, anytime that I get discouraged. My life is such a blessing to me, to wake up everyday, and not have to be sick like I was. To wake up and know that I don't have to worry. I am a fighter, who loves my Heavenly Father. These kids need me. I love them for that. I love them for being the kids, that I can't have. 

I am the one that gets to help them with their homework, I am the one that gets to tell them why the sky is blue. I am the one that is still alive and gets to be there for them. What an amazing blessing that is, even though, sometimes I don't realize it. 

WOW!

2 Down, Eternity to go!

I don't know if I say it enough, but I honestly have the most amazing husband in the world. I cannot believe that it has been 2 years already!

Thinking of all the things that we have been through. He was the reason that I got through the cancer. He stuck by my side, cheering on my recovery. It's amazing that we can say that we did it!

2 years of getting to know each other more and more every day! Falling in love with him more each day. I can't imagine my life without him. It feels like we have been together longer. I just love him :)

So our anniversary started with me making breakfast.....

Mmmm... Blueberry muffins. They were delicious.

Then we got ready for our day.

And picked up the kids!

For some reason we always take a picture like this.

This is the cutest one ... It's so hard to take a good picture with my hair so short.

Hahaha, Jonny is so funny.

This picture is so funny.

For dinner, Joshua has never been to Lenny's Burger. So that's where we went.

He got a TRIPLE Burger... My man can eat!

And Joshua cleaning up his face After just one bite.

I had a very relaxing day with me and Joshua. i love him, and wouldn't change a thing about our lives together. Thank you honey for the most amazing 2 years of my life. I can't wait for eternity.

A Bad Day...

As much as people want to, they can't understand what I have been through. I feel bad for those that were by my side, wondering if I will make it another day, and I thank them so much for caring. It is because of those individuals that I made it through.

But, having gone through it, and having to live like I do now, honestly is so hard. Being not sick anymore, but having to look at myself, with my hair like it is, and my scars all over my body is so very hard.

I don't get to do the things that other 21 yr old people do. I get to look at them and wonder, "I wonder what that would be like." I feel like an old lady in my body.

I look at myself every morning and wish that I didn't look like I do.

I lay awake at night worrying if I will get Cancer again, what I would do, and I get that emptiness all over again, every night.

Because I am sad about these things, and I sometimes believe that it is not fair, I get told that I am selfish. I believe that I should be allowed to be selfish once in awhile. To not look like or be the woman for my husband that I used to be, is so depressing.

I cry a lot to myself, especially at night while I lay there awake. I can't give my husband children. How lucky women are around me, all these women that I grew up with, some having babies with their husbands. I feel so out of place with them because they always end up talking about their birth process and such. What do I say to that? People often ask, when will you have children... My answer, I won't.

Cancer took that away from me. Cancer took away so much, both emotionally, and physically. My parents always worry, where I am, what I am doing, how long I'll be, not because they don't trust me, but because Cancer made them have to almost lose me.

I lost a lot of the friendships that I used to have, some friends will be like, I'm so sorry that you went through that, but they treat me so much different. I hardly get asked to hang out anymore.

A stomach ache can no longer just be a stomach ache, it could be the cancer.

Instead of having someone to talk to, I just keep it in. An "I'm sorry" isn't really a response that cures the feelings or make me feel like I'm talking for a purpose.

Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for those that care, it's just hard not being able to have a conversation that someone relates to.

I HATE CANCER!!

Part of the Family

Lately in this life of mine, I have been getting out more. Its actually very nice :). Majority of the people that I have been around is Joshua's family. They are a very interesting bunch. All I kept thinking is, "so this is what happens when you get married." Joshua's mom and big brother Jimmy are very hyper. Jimmy is one of the funniest guys that I know. When he is around it reminds me of my friendships in high school. He reminds me of John. I miss that.

Joshua got to hang out with his nephew, which he hasn't gotten to see since we got married. They used to be really close. When they seen each other it was like they never were apart. They played video games and while we were at dinner, they just wouldn't shut up! :) Joshua is so cute when they are together. I want them to hang out more. Tyler is such a big part of Joshua's life. I also got to hang out with Joshua's sister, Krystal. She is a good, sweet person. Though, right now she is down, I hope the best for her, I want to get closer to her so she can be closer to her brother.

Joshua is so silly. We get to go on dates again now that we are again getting a stable income. ITS SO NICE! We took the kids out for ice cream and we had some fun ourselves. I love him so much, I can never say that enough. I love him soo much more each and every day.

One thing that I have been struggling with lately has been my hair. It's growing so much, but sometimes, especially when I have to go to work, it gets so depressing. Right now its at the stage where its too short to do anything with, but too long to not, so I end up just putting something over it. Annette kinda gave me a little pick me up. Her hair is longer than mine and she looks so beautiful. She is still battling this evil disease, but I know that she will overcome it. I feel so bad for her but I know that we are fighters! The only thing that we really complain about is our hair. A lot of people say, "Oh, it will grow back."... That doesn't help the situation, or give me comfort. I just want it now. I know it sounds childish, but to have something taken away from you without having a choice in the matter, then suffering soo much to beat a sickness then getting better, and not being completely "normal" again, gets to you. I am staying positive, and some days I can deal with it really well. Just like everyone else, I have my good days and my bad days.

Getting Started...

I am so thankful for the people that have recently been put in our lives. Without them we wouldnt have been able to give these children the memorable Christmas that we did. We finished putting out the presents and finished eating the cookies around 11 pm on Christmas Eve. We couldn't wait for the kids to wake up and see that Santa had came, so we didn't.

We woke them up.

This was Christmas Eve. We stuck this picture in a frame and made it a Christmas Present for my dad :)

This is what the children woke up to at 11 pm Christmas Eve

This is what happens when men eat Christmas dinner :)

Joshua's job has been really good and we have been gettin some money honey! My job has been calling me in for some days, resulting in me feeling better about myself.

We are starting to get started.

After the kids are adopted, we plan on taking grandma and getting back on our feet at our own place, what a nice goal that we have made for ourselves.

I am really happy with life and the way things have been going.

Joshua's mom, Darlene has been staying with us also. Haha, just imagine, mother-in-law around all the time.. ;)

Aww, it's not that bad I guess.

My dad has been in Prescott for the past month, only coming home on the weekends for just a day and a half. That is really hard on my mom, and I miss him dearly. These last two weeks he has taken Lane with him and I didn't realize how much I enjoy having him around.

I sometimes would get a tad bit annoyed when he would take my husband away from me to hang out with him, but I have come to miss that. I am glad that I have a husband that my brother can look up to. Someone that he loves to spend time with. Joshua is such a good influence on my brother and I am so thankful for that.

I sure am blessed to have the life that I do, and a family that loves and cares for me.

Thank you Heavenly Father.