Scary Thoughts.

My family is everything to me. I cannot handle the thought of losing them. I don't know what I would do if I lost Joshua. He is my husband, my second half. Half of me would be completely gone. 

Tonight, my uncle passed. I know that families are forever, but the thought of death is something that I automatically have a panic attack with. I do my best to not think about death but it is really hard to not think about it right now. 

Tonight I seen my family cry to see a life go. A life that took care of them, that held them together. I had to see my cousins cry for the loss of their father. I was completely lost for words, what do you say to them? How can they go on without their dad?

This of course brings me to the thought of what I would do in their situation. What would I do if I lost my father. As dramatic as it may sound, my life would be complete hectic. Everything that I have done, my whole life, is to make my parents proud of me. Even to this day. I got good grades, because that is what my dad wanted. I worked at 14 because that is what my dad wanted to teach me responsibility. I went to college because that what was in the plan for me from my dad, and now, I am still living with my parents because that is what my dad feels is best for me. 

As a kid I remember my grandma waking me up in the middle of the night, I had had a nightmare. I had a nightmare that my dad was gone, I was soaked with sweat and tears, screaming loud enough to wake up not only my grandmother but the entire house. I don't know what I would do if that became a reality.

Death is so scary to me. 

I remember being in high school, in Seminary, and learning about John the Apostle and the Three Nephites. Jesus blessed them with immortality. They would "never taste of death".

If there were one thing that I could ask Heavenly Father for, it would be that exactly. Life is so great, I don't want it taken from me. But at the same time I do not want to keep losing these people that are so dear to me. I can't think of living without my father. 

I know that I shouldn't think of these things, but I am so scared. Since I was a kid, losing my parents is my number one fear, and now that I am married I just added yet another person to the list that I cannot live without. I don't want to wait to see them again. I don't want to have to deal with death forcefully like my cousins have to now. 

This is a start of a brand new sort of depression. I am so scared of death. It's not because of the thought about what happens after. It's the thought of missing them. To have to go on without them being a phone call away, or getting a hug and kiss goodnight. 

Families are forever, I just want mine to be together, everyday, with me. 

The Hidden Blessing

Wow! 

The first word that entered my mind tonight after all these events.. so let's start from the beginning shall we?

Yesterday I was at work, and I get a call from my mom, telling me that my sister may be pregnant. I didn't know what to think. Am I happy for her? Of course I am! But the mixed feelings that I had, I didn't want to feel. So I just blew it off, and tried focusing on my job. 

When I later got off of work, my mom and I started to talk about it. A lot of things came up in the conversation. Such as, my sister is in a whole other state, how will we be able to be in the baby's life? 

As I am thinking of all this, my mom was talking to my sister on the phone. I start to cry. Probably the hardest that I have cried since I found out that I had cancer. 

Instead of feeling the good feelings, like a normal human being, I start to think of how none of this is fair. How is it fair to me? Not only am I married, but I am married to an amazing husband that would stay by my side, with our child. My husband and I are financially stable to take care of our own child, AND I have such an amazing family that I would love to raise a child with. 

But NO! I can't have that. Yes, like everyone says, I can adopt. If I adopt, I still will never ever get to feel the feeling that a mother has when she is pregnant, having A WHOLE OTHER HUMAN BEING GROWING INSIDE HER! I will never get to experience the labor process, which I hear can be miserable. Miserable or not, women don't realize what a privilege that it is. 

How is this fair to me? My dad, uncle, brother, mother and husband talked and talked to me to calm me down. Nothing of what they were saying was calming. I don't care. I know that I am alive, but I went through all of that, and suffered but suffering, losing my hair, looking disgusting, going through 5 surgeries couldn't be enough. I had to have my ability to give life taken away from me. It makes me feel like less of a women, less of a wife, that I cannot give my husband our child. It really hurts, as I am writing this I cannot help but cry. 

When I was a teenager, I didn't care if I became anything successful in this life, except a mother and wife. When I got married, I wanted my own life, and for me and my husband to just make  babies, and be this wonderful happy family. Within the matter of two days, it was all taken away from me. 

Well, finally, I stopped crying about it, and eventually stopped thinking about it. 

Tonight, little Joshy, one of the kids that we take care of, he peed his pants at the dinner table. Right now he is 4 years old, too old to be peeing his dang pants. So in our house the rule is, if you pee your pants, you have to wear a diaper, like a baby and spend the rest of the night in your room with no t.v. or toys. 

While he was in his room, my dad, who has to wake up early in the morning was trying to sleep. Joshy was continuously crying, his crying was really loud so of course I was getting really angry. I told him that if he didn't stop he would have to sleep outside. He stopped for about 5 minutes then continued on again. So, being the honest person that I am :) I told him to grab his pillow, and I took him outside. It scared him for a minute but we both just stood out there, then of course I just had him come in and I took him in his room and asked him why he wouldn't stop crying. 

He told me it was because it was dark. So I explained to him that it had to be dark because he was supposed to be going to sleep, and he only had to go to sleep because he peed his pants. He understood. So I sat down, and told him to make his bed, so he did, then I covered him up, and gave him his teddy bear. I told him that I wanted to pray with him. 

I asked him, who do you want to pray? Me or you? He said that he wanted me to. He then folded his arms and closed his eyes.

The spirit overwhelmed me. 

I could barely even speak to pray. I just cried out my prayer. 

What a blessing. 

I was so selfish in my thinking yesterday. 

I have 6 kids right here, that don't only need me but they need my example, and my love, and my knowledge of the gospel. 

Thank you Heavenly Father. 

Please let me remember tonight, anytime that I get discouraged. My life is such a blessing to me, to wake up everyday, and not have to be sick like I was. To wake up and know that I don't have to worry. I am a fighter, who loves my Heavenly Father. These kids need me. I love them for that. I love them for being the kids, that I can't have. 

I am the one that gets to help them with their homework, I am the one that gets to tell them why the sky is blue. I am the one that is still alive and gets to be there for them. What an amazing blessing that is, even though, sometimes I don't realize it. 

WOW!