As much as people want to, they can't understand what I have been through. I feel bad for those that were by my side, wondering if I will make it another day, and I thank them so much for caring. It is because of those individuals that I made it through.
But, having gone through it, and having to live like I do now, honestly is so hard. Being not sick anymore, but having to look at myself, with my hair like it is, and my scars all over my body is so very hard.
I don't get to do the things that other 21 yr old people do. I get to look at them and wonder, "I wonder what that would be like." I feel like an old lady in my body.
I look at myself every morning and wish that I didn't look like I do.
I lay awake at night worrying if I will get Cancer again, what I would do, and I get that emptiness all over again, every night.
Because I am sad about these things, and I sometimes believe that it is not fair, I get told that I am selfish. I believe that I should be allowed to be selfish once in awhile. To not look like or be the woman for my husband that I used to be, is so depressing.
I cry a lot to myself, especially at night while I lay there awake. I can't give my husband children. How lucky women are around me, all these women that I grew up with, some having babies with their husbands. I feel so out of place with them because they always end up talking about their birth process and such. What do I say to that? People often ask, when will you have children... My answer, I won't.
Cancer took that away from me. Cancer took away so much, both emotionally, and physically. My parents always worry, where I am, what I am doing, how long I'll be, not because they don't trust me, but because Cancer made them have to almost lose me.
I lost a lot of the friendships that I used to have, some friends will be like, I'm so sorry that you went through that, but they treat me so much different. I hardly get asked to hang out anymore.
A stomach ache can no longer just be a stomach ache, it could be the cancer.
Instead of having someone to talk to, I just keep it in. An "I'm sorry" isn't really a response that cures the feelings or make me feel like I'm talking for a purpose.
Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for those that care, it's just hard not being able to have a conversation that someone relates to.
I HATE CANCER!!
I know that saying. "I am sorry " is not going to make the pain and emptiness go away. :( I to have had to deal with caner. I remember how I felt when they told me I might not be able to have Cole. Then I too had a hysterectomy. Its a terrible loss. U are strong don't think for one second that because u cry at night. Many of my nights have been spent that way. I have had my Mom and all my grandparents die in the last 5yrs. God only puts us through things that with his help we can and will survive and be stronger for it. Ur grieving the loss of the life u had and what u can't have now. Take a deep breath and think of all the great things u do have. A awesome hubby, a supportive family, and u know now who ur real friends r, and ur faith. U have so many things that some people will never have! The worry will always be there but u will move past lt. I am here for u anytime. I love you Valerie ur only alone if you if u choose not to reach out! Miss u and hope to see u soon. Jessica S.
ReplyDeleteYou are such an awesome woman to have to deal with all you have so far. Especially with cancer. Most people who develop that don't even get it until later in life, and you're only 21. I literally can't imagine what you're going through, but I hope you know that others, including myself, do care and want to see you happy. :)
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