Scary Thoughts.

My family is everything to me. I cannot handle the thought of losing them. I don't know what I would do if I lost Joshua. He is my husband, my second half. Half of me would be completely gone. 

Tonight, my uncle passed. I know that families are forever, but the thought of death is something that I automatically have a panic attack with. I do my best to not think about death but it is really hard to not think about it right now. 

Tonight I seen my family cry to see a life go. A life that took care of them, that held them together. I had to see my cousins cry for the loss of their father. I was completely lost for words, what do you say to them? How can they go on without their dad?

This of course brings me to the thought of what I would do in their situation. What would I do if I lost my father. As dramatic as it may sound, my life would be complete hectic. Everything that I have done, my whole life, is to make my parents proud of me. Even to this day. I got good grades, because that is what my dad wanted. I worked at 14 because that is what my dad wanted to teach me responsibility. I went to college because that what was in the plan for me from my dad, and now, I am still living with my parents because that is what my dad feels is best for me. 

As a kid I remember my grandma waking me up in the middle of the night, I had had a nightmare. I had a nightmare that my dad was gone, I was soaked with sweat and tears, screaming loud enough to wake up not only my grandmother but the entire house. I don't know what I would do if that became a reality.

Death is so scary to me. 

I remember being in high school, in Seminary, and learning about John the Apostle and the Three Nephites. Jesus blessed them with immortality. They would "never taste of death".

If there were one thing that I could ask Heavenly Father for, it would be that exactly. Life is so great, I don't want it taken from me. But at the same time I do not want to keep losing these people that are so dear to me. I can't think of living without my father. 

I know that I shouldn't think of these things, but I am so scared. Since I was a kid, losing my parents is my number one fear, and now that I am married I just added yet another person to the list that I cannot live without. I don't want to wait to see them again. I don't want to have to deal with death forcefully like my cousins have to now. 

This is a start of a brand new sort of depression. I am so scared of death. It's not because of the thought about what happens after. It's the thought of missing them. To have to go on without them being a phone call away, or getting a hug and kiss goodnight. 

Families are forever, I just want mine to be together, everyday, with me.