A Bad Day...

As much as people want to, they can't understand what I have been through. I feel bad for those that were by my side, wondering if I will make it another day, and I thank them so much for caring. It is because of those individuals that I made it through.

But, having gone through it, and having to live like I do now, honestly is so hard. Being not sick anymore, but having to look at myself, with my hair like it is, and my scars all over my body is so very hard.

I don't get to do the things that other 21 yr old people do. I get to look at them and wonder, "I wonder what that would be like." I feel like an old lady in my body.

I look at myself every morning and wish that I didn't look like I do.

I lay awake at night worrying if I will get Cancer again, what I would do, and I get that emptiness all over again, every night.

Because I am sad about these things, and I sometimes believe that it is not fair, I get told that I am selfish. I believe that I should be allowed to be selfish once in awhile. To not look like or be the woman for my husband that I used to be, is so depressing.

I cry a lot to myself, especially at night while I lay there awake. I can't give my husband children. How lucky women are around me, all these women that I grew up with, some having babies with their husbands. I feel so out of place with them because they always end up talking about their birth process and such. What do I say to that? People often ask, when will you have children... My answer, I won't.

Cancer took that away from me. Cancer took away so much, both emotionally, and physically. My parents always worry, where I am, what I am doing, how long I'll be, not because they don't trust me, but because Cancer made them have to almost lose me.

I lost a lot of the friendships that I used to have, some friends will be like, I'm so sorry that you went through that, but they treat me so much different. I hardly get asked to hang out anymore.

A stomach ache can no longer just be a stomach ache, it could be the cancer.

Instead of having someone to talk to, I just keep it in. An "I'm sorry" isn't really a response that cures the feelings or make me feel like I'm talking for a purpose.

Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for those that care, it's just hard not being able to have a conversation that someone relates to.

I HATE CANCER!!

Part of the Family

Lately in this life of mine, I have been getting out more. Its actually very nice :). Majority of the people that I have been around is Joshua's family. They are a very interesting bunch. All I kept thinking is, "so this is what happens when you get married." Joshua's mom and big brother Jimmy are very hyper. Jimmy is one of the funniest guys that I know. When he is around it reminds me of my friendships in high school. He reminds me of John. I miss that.

Joshua got to hang out with his nephew, which he hasn't gotten to see since we got married. They used to be really close. When they seen each other it was like they never were apart. They played video games and while we were at dinner, they just wouldn't shut up! :) Joshua is so cute when they are together. I want them to hang out more. Tyler is such a big part of Joshua's life. I also got to hang out with Joshua's sister, Krystal. She is a good, sweet person. Though, right now she is down, I hope the best for her, I want to get closer to her so she can be closer to her brother.

Joshua is so silly. We get to go on dates again now that we are again getting a stable income. ITS SO NICE! We took the kids out for ice cream and we had some fun ourselves. I love him so much, I can never say that enough. I love him soo much more each and every day.

One thing that I have been struggling with lately has been my hair. It's growing so much, but sometimes, especially when I have to go to work, it gets so depressing. Right now its at the stage where its too short to do anything with, but too long to not, so I end up just putting something over it. Annette kinda gave me a little pick me up. Her hair is longer than mine and she looks so beautiful. She is still battling this evil disease, but I know that she will overcome it. I feel so bad for her but I know that we are fighters! The only thing that we really complain about is our hair. A lot of people say, "Oh, it will grow back."... That doesn't help the situation, or give me comfort. I just want it now. I know it sounds childish, but to have something taken away from you without having a choice in the matter, then suffering soo much to beat a sickness then getting better, and not being completely "normal" again, gets to you. I am staying positive, and some days I can deal with it really well. Just like everyone else, I have my good days and my bad days.

Getting Started...

I am so thankful for the people that have recently been put in our lives. Without them we wouldnt have been able to give these children the memorable Christmas that we did. We finished putting out the presents and finished eating the cookies around 11 pm on Christmas Eve. We couldn't wait for the kids to wake up and see that Santa had came, so we didn't.

We woke them up.

This was Christmas Eve. We stuck this picture in a frame and made it a Christmas Present for my dad :)

This is what the children woke up to at 11 pm Christmas Eve

This is what happens when men eat Christmas dinner :)

Joshua's job has been really good and we have been gettin some money honey! My job has been calling me in for some days, resulting in me feeling better about myself.

We are starting to get started.

After the kids are adopted, we plan on taking grandma and getting back on our feet at our own place, what a nice goal that we have made for ourselves.

I am really happy with life and the way things have been going.

Joshua's mom, Darlene has been staying with us also. Haha, just imagine, mother-in-law around all the time.. ;)

Aww, it's not that bad I guess.

My dad has been in Prescott for the past month, only coming home on the weekends for just a day and a half. That is really hard on my mom, and I miss him dearly. These last two weeks he has taken Lane with him and I didn't realize how much I enjoy having him around.

I sometimes would get a tad bit annoyed when he would take my husband away from me to hang out with him, but I have come to miss that. I am glad that I have a husband that my brother can look up to. Someone that he loves to spend time with. Joshua is such a good influence on my brother and I am so thankful for that.

I sure am blessed to have the life that I do, and a family that loves and cares for me.

Thank you Heavenly Father.

Getting back to normal?

Not complaining but this has definitely been a rough year, but things are looking up. I have so much to be thankful for, including the life that I am given each and everyday. Throughout the cancer, and the hospital visits Joshua has been my rock. He has been the best husband anyone could ask for, especially when we haven't been married that long.



We have been attending church, hanging out with friends and Joshua has been working. I know this is all because of my Heavenly Father. The hard part now, it to just be patient for my hair to grow back....

... at least I know that Joshua has fun with my wigs :)

On top of being blessed with a wonderful life and husband, I am also blessed with a wonderful family. Our family has recently grown when my parents decided to foster 6 of my cousins.
Yes, we have 6 more children (and my parents were so excited for Lane to turn 18)

Jasmine (8), Lilian (6)

 Josh (4)

Jonny (5)

 Angela (7)



Joseph "JoJo" (2)

The kids are fun. The holidays are so far great!

 Look at our wall.....

.... that's a lot huh?

There is a lot of love in this home with my family. For now, I'm kicking cancer's butt! Like I said, I have a lot to be thankful for.